Hi folks, hope you are doing ok? This week we will be meeting at Platform 2 in Tynemouth, I hope that you can make it.
This week’s blog comes from my experiences of this last week and my reading around it. I came across a quote from Ordinary Human Failings by novelist Megan Nolan, before we get to the quote, it opens up issues around suffering and the way we deal with it, or not! Basically a woman walks past her sisters room and witness uncontrollable crying:
She… ‘was appalled to feel a surge of visceral, repulsed alarm at the sight … She suspected that [her sister] was in far worse pain than had ever been known, suffering in the recesses of a privacy so total it was almost evil. She had never fully lost this terror of the private suffering of other people, nor the shame of wanting not to see it’.
That last sentence creeps up on you and I read it again and again as it permeated my being. I mentioned last week that Karen’s dad has been struggling, well, as I wrote this he has spent the last few days in hospital, things look like they are going in the right direction for him, and we hope he will be home soon.
On top of this, I have spent a bit of time with people who are going through some tough mental health and physical health issues, bereavement and a number of other things. It’s been a hard week! When I first came to the North East my role was predominantly pastoral care, I spent lots of my time meeting with people who were finding life hard work. Even before coming to the North East I spent a few years as a care assistant… Again witnessing people coming towards the end of their lives and watching their families try to deal with it was an immense privilege, but it was also really hard work!
I know there have been times for me when I wanted to look away from the suffering of others, particularly those I love! There is a sense of hopelessness particularly like Nolan suggests when you are exposed to the surprising rawness of it when you weren’t expecting it. I wonder if in that moment it exposes our own fragility as humans.
I know that for me one of the key things that I had to face in the days I was doing pastoral work is that i became overloaded by the pain and watching others suffer, some of us are worried in that way, and for others of us it just washes over us, or I suspect most folks are somewhere in the middle. I think I can cope with stuff better these days but I’m not dealing with it all the time.
I wonder where you sit in relation to your ability to be present in the sufferings of others. Or are you happy to leave the weightlifting of suffering to others? Maybe that’s because you see the toll it can take on those that do get involved and think I can’t ask the questions that the civil rights activist Ruby Sales argues drives to the heart of the matter: where does it hurt?
That question is a deep one, because it realises that hurt is being experienced by someone and then it allows the recipient the opportunity to make it known to another if they want to. In that moment you are sitting alongside another.
In our faith tradition we are asked to love one another… I wonder what that means for you, for us?
Some questions.
The heading of this blog is ‘Everybody Hurts’… what’s your favourite song, artwork that explores this theme?
What movies, books, TV programs explore elements of today’s blog?
What bible stories does this remind you of?
How does empathy in the sufferings of others relate to the divine/God?
In what ways could you/we be more empathetic to the sufferings of others?
Peace, Rob
Image by Gisela Merkuur from Pixabay
Rob Wylie is the founder of BeachcomberFX and guides its leadership team. He has worked in the North East for over 20 years and has vast experience from various roles he has held. He has a passion for Fresh Expressions of Church and Pioneer Ministry as well as beer, beaches and Miniature Schnauzers.
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This is from Ben.
Hey everyone, I’m still alive and kicking in the background. I would like to start by saying I do read
the blogs and have actually formed a response in my head that I intend to send……. But as you can
see, I do not remember to get round to writing it and sending. Its only because I am doing a course
currently and need a distraction from a dam awful website design, that I have sat and written this
out. It also comes as it is the anniversary of my Grandad passing next week so probably had
something to do with it hitting me in the feels so to speak.
I had originally written this response out to Rob, who wanted me to add it too here. I did refuse to
start with saying to Rob he can do it, as its kinda raw and a lot more revealing about me that I
generally give out. Fair warning it’s a lot more emotional and stuff than I intended as I went slightly
into a tangent but there was a reason for it.
Most of you know I am generally happy and open to talk about me (probably too much sometimes if
the looks Emma gives me are anything to go by) but there is a lot that I don’t share as I am sure most
of us are like. However, after a strong coffee and a drive I realised I should probably own it a bit
more as it has a positive outcome rather than being something to hide from, (Hopefully that will
make more sense when you read through,) as well as surprising Rob as I am now expanding as I
write it out again in better English rather than ben rambles lol.
So, without further rambling putting off actually doing this, here is my response to the latest blog
post, https://www.beachcomberfx.com/everybody-hurts-sometimes/ .
Question 1. Favourite song. I’m not sure calling it my favourite song quite works with the topic in
question, so I am going to refer to these as, ‘My brain is having an ouchie and I need a song to
express that songs’. So, in true ben fashion we don’t just have one.
The first song is a cover. the original is by Papa Roach, Last resort. The original song is very typical
me. For those of you who are later joiners to the group than me, I am a heavy metal/rock kinda of
person with a strong belief that if you ever need a song about a topic you need to look no further
than any metal genre and you have a song that reflects that. A nice little throwback to 2000 is the
band Papa Roach who released a song called Last resort.
( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2R6uT7uLFg )
Earlier this year the band Falling in Reverse did a cover of this song
( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESOjt2_yJrU ) which completely changed what I felt the feeling
of the original was trying to convey. It was so full of emotion and raw heartache compared to the
original which was more of an explanation of whirlwind and torment.
The next is by a guy called REN. TBH most of his repertoire is full of hurt and pain of struggles. If you
haven’t listened to his music I would recommend it. (although if you are the sensitive kimusic,aybe
listen with a big bar of chocolate and tissues) but the one that really fulfils this brief is ‘For Joe’;.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebX5ZvrT6-o
I recommend watching the live performance version to get the real feeling of Hurt and emotion. Not
going to say much more about it as I think it’s a more of listen and learn the back story.
There are others I could recommend if my brain would remember the names of them so stick with
those two for now.
On to films!! There are probably many that I could have mentioned, but my brain has gone on a film
information siesta, so I only have three that come to mind.
The first is Harry Potter, specifically Order of the Phoenix. Now I know this is a book first and the
books do a goodish job of exploring hurt and pain, but the films show you this and this one scene
always sits in my mind for a topic of this nature.
The start of the exploration into hurt takes place during the fight scene in the ministry of magic.
Sirius who Harry Potter sees as the main link to happiness and freedom and family is killed and goes
through whats called the veil of death. The reason for bringing this up is Daniel Radcliffe’s performance during this scene. For those of you who have seen this film may remember that his screams are muted and not played out loud but you can see the pain and anguish on his face and it was always mentioned that it didn’t look like he was acting in this scene. In reality, he wasn’t. He had found out the morning of filming that scene that he had lost his Grandmother that day. The report from the filming of that scene was that it drove most of the cast to tears hearing his screams and it was so real that the director felt that he couldn’t have something that emotional in a ‘childs’ film.
It is unfortunate that Harry Potter is a child’s book sometimes as I think that as an adult the range of emotions that could have been expanded on in the aftermath of a lot of the incidents could have really explored pain, loss and really pushed it to help people cope or think things through.
The other film that I felt started really exploring the hurt and pain of everyone would be in marvel
and with Tony Stark/Iron Man dies. (Unfortunately, mainstream media strikes again and the follow
up in the later films really doesn’t do it justice in following peoples hurt as it could have done.) But
the actual death scene you could see that not all of the actors were just acting. The hurt was genuine
at the fact that a title character was having his last scene and the emotion of it was palpable
throughout the cinema.
I haven’t really don’t much thinking from a churchy side. It’s something that I battle with in my faith
as to the hurt we go through and why its allowed. If you want to see what sums up my thoughts and
subsequent battle, have a listen to ‘Dear God’ by Ren.
Now this is a bit off script from the questions and the bit that I was reluctant to share again but meh
let see how it goes.
I was scrolling through TikTok the other day and I came across this video.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGe1MfVjT/
For those who don’t have TikTok The video is someone saying,
‘Hey, Wouldn’t it be funny if this night was the last night we ever talked to each other.’
I saw that and didn’t move for about 10 minutes. I have no idea how many times I listened to that
video over and over and over. The reason why it put me in a loop was because I was in that place a
few years ago. And the emotions…. I am trying not to swear in this blog response but there are many
that came out of my mouth whilst trying to write this both the first time and second time.
The reason why I bring this up is because of something that was brought back to the surface both
the first time I saw this video as well as reflecting on Robs blog and the last sentence from his quote,
‘She had never fully lost this terror of the private suffering of other people, not the shame of wanting
not to see it.’
I was going through a very rough patch back then and I genuinely didn’t really have many options of
what I wanted to do about it. Up until that point in time the prevention was not wanting people to
suffer because I was and dealt with it badly. I won’t go into too much detail but essentially, I had got
to one decision away from taking things one of two ways. But I happened to be chatting to my best
mate that evening and the reason why this video brings back the memories is I apparently had been
off that evening chatting to him like not Ben’s being Ben off but very off. I asked him a very similar
question. The what if this was the last time we spoke.
Yer scary isn’t it thinking about these things. The hurt I feel every time I remember this is…..
indescribable. And its not just the hurt I was feeling at that time it’s the hurt knowing I was one
wheel turn of my car away from causing everyone I know the hurt and pain and guilt of wondering if
they could have done something to prevent this.
Thankfully this story has a happy outcome. The noble git called my mum and told her that she
needed to find me ASAP which she did. Kicking in some realisation that there was hope for me and
something other than hurt. Stupid dick of a best mate eh. But yer, he is the reason why I am still here and telling this story rather than being a cause of hurt. His empathy of my suffering and that he didn’t look away from someone else’s suffering.
This last bit has been my kind of response to Robs last question of what ways can we be more
empathetic to the sufferings of other. I rely on hiding behind the phrase of, ‘Tears of a clown’ and it
if wasn’t for the fact my friend was empathetic to what I was going through it would be a different
story. Empathy doesn’t have to be to the degree of knowing if someone is suffering and being able
to support them through it. It doesn’t even have to be to the point of every time you see suffering
you get involved and help people. Not everyone is built for that. It reminds me of a quote that an old
boss of mine when I used to work at Costa mentioned in passing but has stuck with me,
‘Smile, you never know what people are going through and that smile might help them get through
that day.’
I don’t think he realised how powerful that quote is. But if that’s your capacity to give empathy to
help people then I’ve always thought that’s enough.
So this has been very emotionally charged and a tonne longer than I intended so sorry about all of
that.
I shall leave it with my take on how I see empathy,
‘Empathy of others suffering is a double edge sword in my experience. The road to hell and all that. I
think empathy is key in understanding the divine and God’s intentions however the human element
gets in the way, and this can poison the nature of empathy. Unfiltered empathy is the following the
footsteps of divine, filtered is following the footsteps of doing what is needed to be praised.’
If you are struggling, please talk to someone.
Love to you all.
Thanks so much for sharing this Ben 🙂🙏🏼