“You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.” I wonder what would happen if we could choose our own family?! Life might be a lot simpler… but I think overall something important would be lost. When I think of family, many words spring to mind but right now I just want to focus on 2 of them…
- BELONGING
Recently my dad who is nearing 70 years old was able to make contact with his sister for the very first time. Having grown up in care and with foster parents he has always had big questions about his own family background and in recent years, and with the help of a DNA ancestry website he has been able to find out a lot more about some of his blood relatives. Last week he received a message from a woman who it turns out is his sister and since then they have been in regular contact finding out all about each other. It has been wonderful to witness and one of the main things that comes across in both their correspondence has been a shared desire for finding a blood relative – a family unit to “belong” to, which had been missing all their lives. Whilst families come in all shapes, sizes and variations, the one thing that seems to define a family is this idea of “belonging’. What is important isn’t actually the blood we share, but the bond that holds us together – even when we don’t like one another. There is a sense of loyalty to the family unit that doesn’t exist in the wider world. Friendships come and go – the good ones last. When friends become close we use the phrase “they’re like family” – implying that sense of a deeper, long-lasting connection; sticking together when things get tough; sacrificial and costly love.
2. COMPLICATED
I’m yet to meet someone who wouldn’t describe some aspect of their family as “complicated”. (Another word that springs to mind is “messy”!) So why is this? I wouldn’t describe my relationships with my work colleagues as messy or complicated… I think it has something to do with being real. At work, or even with friends we usually present a front, whether it be because we’re being professional, or just because we make the extra effort with people when we socialise. During lockdown we were starved of those interactions, and whilst I missed seeing people, I realised that the benefit of being with family ALL the time is that you can be 100% real all the time – no need to worry about how we appear, either aesthetically or in our behaviour. There’s no judgement with family, we just accept each other, warts and all. The downside of this, of course, is that we often see the worst sides of each other. Tensions rise because we don’t hold our tongues and we allow ourselves to say hurtful things we wouldn’t dream of saying to friends. We know that for the most part, family members forgive and forget (not always I realise), because we have to. The family bond is strong, we can’t just walk away from it easily.
So where am I going with all this, you ask? I’m not really sure myself except that I’m realising more and more the importance of family, in whatever context it comes. I don’t think God designed us to live and exist in solidarity – family units are important, they make sure everyone is cared for and we all have a place to “belong”. I think if we could all choose our families eventually things would still end up being complicated and messy, as we would realise that in order to truly belong we must feel accepted for who we are and equally to accept others for who they are. Friendship is easy – to be in relationship with people who share our interests and opinions. Family is hard – it requires us to love people at their worst, as God loves us, “God shows his love for us in that, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
Questions:
- If you could choose any famous person to be an honorary family member, who would it be and what relation would they be to you?
- If you could be part of any fictional family, which would it be and why?
- What does “family” mean to you?
4. How has being in lockdown affected your relationship with your family? (both those you live with and extended)
5. How should we as “church”/ BFX community relate to one another and with others? Are we a “family”? Should we be and if so, what should that look like?
Has been a part of BeachcomberFX since his arrival in the North East in 2014. He is well travelled (at least in the UK) having lived in Manchester, Nottingham, Derbyshire, Southport, Doncaster, Berwick and Edinburgh. Supporter of Newcastle United, will watch any sport.