Hi folks I hope you are doing ok… this week we are meeting at the Enigma Tap at 7.30, i hope you can join us. This week’s blog is written by Ben, I want to thank him for his honesty in the blog.
Hello all,
It’s been a while since I have had to engage my brain to focus on writing a blog or similar piece of work. I think this is the 3rd or 4th attempt at getting this down on paper and not either reading through and hating it or having a change of heart regarding the topic my brain would settle on to write about.
To be truthfully honest my faith has taken quite a hit especially in the last year or so, and when I was first asked to do this my first reaction was to say no as I would feel too much of a hypocrite and fraud trying to produce something coherent and reflecting other peoples blogs. But there was a little voice that just niggled at me to do this to both analyse my own thoughts as to why my faith has struggled and what were my next steps.
Whilst I was reflecting on the topic of this blog and as to why my faith has struggled recently the following bible verse kept coming back to me: Isaiah 35:5
Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Whilst we all understand that as you get older your body takes longer to recover and that there is always a chance for a health issue to affect you until the scenario happens nothing really can prepare you from going from being fairly fit and active to a state of not being able to get out of bed or not being allowed to be left alone just in case you have an episode and injure yourself.
I was a key worker during covid working for Virgin Media installing and fixing the internet and TV and throughout the initial lockdowns and main sweep of the illness I worked through out having not gotten covid (that I knew of) and being still fairly young I had that ‘youthful invincibility’ that one has. Even when I initially got covid, bar what was a week of a rough cold and Emma having a blissful quiet week as I had lost my voice I still felt invincible until I wasn’t.
The day I was due to go back to work was also the start of what would be 5 years of physical and mental hardship that my ego and mental fortitude wasn’t really all that prepared for. The day I was due to go back to work started as normal having got up showered and was out walking the dog, which during said dog walk I passed out. I had managed to drag myself home with a confused dog in tow and passed out again on then sleeping Emma, who at 6.30am wasn’t at the time overly sympathetic to my issue as I had just woken her up!
This was at the end of 2021 and since then it has been a constant battle of health, work, and seeking answers of a diagnosis.
I finally got a diagnosis in 2024 after being bounced around the NHS system and whilst it was initially a relief to know what was going on with me it was short lived as it was then another year before I got any further with understanding all the time my symptoms were getting worse and having more frequent issues.
Throughout my ‘medical journey’ my mental health took a repeated battering and this lead to some rough days with some very low moments and some very dark days in which there didn’t really seem to be much coming back from or whether it was worth me being around people as I was just becoming and increasingly heavy burden for them.
This also led to my faith taking a beating as I feel that anyone that has gone through a long term medical issue at some point wonders why they are having to deal with this. Whilst I have never claimed to be a full devout christian if we have a God who loves us, why does he allow us to go through these things, the suffering and hurt and pain that it not only causes us but also the ones around us.
There was one thing that kept my admittedly small amount of belief which was Emma who put up with everything through and through all the issues and even still was happy to marry me last year!! It restored some of my faith having her stand there and saying I do right alongside me.
It was the 30th December that really made life stop and forced me to reflect. I regularly faint, both historical and increasingly due to my medical issues but this was different. I can usually control it and manage it but it was happening every 10 to 15 minutes, short faints I had no control over. Which led me to spending the last two days of 2025 in hospital, physically and mentally drained. Spending 30 hours in a hospital corridor on a drip was not the new years eve party I had planned but it gave me time to reflect and think. I had spent so much time complaining that life was unfair and why was this happening to me. And eventually came to the conclusion that that was part of the problem and a cause of my faith breaking down.
I had given up fighting it and just allowed myself to trust in whatever the plan was. I had a wife who loved me unconditionally along with family and friends who wanted the best for me and looking out for me. So why not let God also take a role instead of pushing him out and blaming him for my issues.
Life isn’t any easier, I still have my medical issues and I don’t even want to touch upon the state of the world right now but I can breathe easier. Yes, I have days where I wobble and start blaming life again for my issues but they are becoming a minority rather than the majority of days.
Below is a silly little reel that did make me chuckle as it did sum up some of my thoughts at the time and reflected on the bible passage that had been causing me so much thought and at times strife.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTl5emjDbVd/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
Some Questions:
- What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever fainted, fallen asleep, or embarrassed yourself?
- Why do you think it can be easier to direct our anger and frustration towards God rather than trust that there may be a greater purpose or plan?
- Has there ever been a time when your faith was shaken? What helped you rebuild or regain it?
- People often ask, “If God exists, why does He allow suffering instead of simply fixing it?” How do you personally respond to or wrestle with that question?
- What keeps you moving forward when life doesn’t necessarily get easier, just heavier?
- Have there been moments in your life where hardship changed the way you “see” or “hear” things emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?
Ben.
Photo: Rob Wylie
This post is written by one of our many friends. At BeachcomberFX we love to hear what others have to say and are always on the lookout for people who want to share their thoughts or stories with us.